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A year ago, I sat upon my bed, the very one I’m on right now, in complete frustration. I was writing out my reflection for 2019 and spilling my hopes for 2020 onto the page. But all I can remember thinking was, “I just don’t get God’s love. I don’t understand what it’s supposed to look like to love well, and I’m tired of not feeling loved by God.”
Have you ever had these thoughts?
My brain said I was loved but my heart was empty and dying to grasp this concept. I could only imagine God with a stern brow, pointing His finger at me. All I saw when I closed my eyes to imagine His face was disappointment, frustration and heartlessness. I knew this wasn’t the God I served, but I didn’t know how to change that mental image. I needed to understand, I needed to see love, to feel it, and to believe it. But the Lord was already ahead of me and had begun placing LOVE on my heart to focus on in 2020. 2019 was courage. 2020 is love. Honestly, 2020’s scared me way more than courage ever did.
But now, we’re at the end of 2020. So what have I learned about love--real love? I don’t say true love because I’m not talking about romantic love necessarily, though all of this applies. I just mean authentic, unadulterated, pure, real, LOVE. The love we are to give to our brothers and sisters in Christ and to all the world. As I’ve been reflecting, I have realized that part of the reason I wasn’t grasping God’s love is because I was looking for worldly love in a holy God. I was projecting my misconceptions as to what love was onto a God who is the essence of love himself. What I have learned about real love can be observed in the famous 1 Corinthians 13 chapter. Here are the four characteristics of love that stood out to me this year:
#1-Real love is consistently kind to all
In movies, tv shows, instagram, etc., the world puts out this idea that all of your love should be focused on one person, usually a significant other. All your time? Theirs. All your attention? Theirs. All your affection? Theirs. All your love? Theirs. And if it isn’t this way, then you just don’t have a good boyfriend/girlfriend who “truly” loves you. But the Bible begs to differ. In verse 4 of 1 Cor. 13 (TPT) it says, “Love is gentle and consistently kind to all.” Now I’m not saying there aren’t various levels of friendship. And I’m not saying you need to go out of your way to make sure everyone you know feels extremely loved all of the time by you. Nuh uh. Here’s an example. Have you ever really wanted to be someone’s friend? And in order to do so you try to show them just how awesome of a friend you would be? You bring them coffee, you compliment them, you go out of your way to talk to them and check in on them, maybe you even lie about a common interest. But then to all of your close friends you ignore their texts, go for weeks on end without even a hello, tell them you’re too busy to bring them a coffee, etc. I know I’m guilty of this on more than one occasion. Real love, however, will show consistent and equal kindness to those around them; bff, crush, ex, step-parent, enemy, the new kid, the random guy who cut in front of you at the grocery store and has ten times more items than you.But have you ever noticed the inherent beauty of someone who treats everyone with loving kindness? No one really goes towards the person who is a great human to a couple of people and horrible to the rest.
This idea that all your love is focused on one person greatly impacted the way I viewed God’s love towards me. I figured that if He couldn’t love me best of all, then He didn’t love me at all. Childish, I know, but true. It was in understanding this that I began to grasp that God’s love is so wonderful because He loves everyone consistently and equally. I wouldn’t really want to serve a God who played favorites, or only loved me on occasion, would you?
#2-Real love is expressed through respect
I have asked and been asked this question multiple times: would you rather be loved or respected? It’s really not one or the other though, they go hand in hand. The beginning of verse 5 says that, “Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect”. If you really love someone, you respect them. If you respect someone, you are showing them an aspect of real love. Here are the cold, hard facts:
If someone claims they love you with their words, yet disrespects you, they are not loving you with real love-it is counterfeit.
Throughout this entire chapter, real love is described by action words. And actions require intentional choices. These are choices to value their inherent dignity as a human being, it is to abide by their boundaries, it is to fully listen to them, it is to speak to them as the child of God that they are, it is to acknowledge that God created them wonderfully and uniquely, it is to recognize their inherent purpose here on this earth. And sometimes, on occasion, it is to walk away; because if you cannot respect someone with intentional actions, the best way to love them may be to create some distance. Don’t risk tainting someone’s view of what real love is, of what God’s love is, by continuing to love them badly. The way we love others on this earth is purposed to be a reflection of our Father’s love for us. More on that later.
#3-Real love finds no delight in what is wrong
“Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong.” (v. 6)
Real love will find no delight in what is wrong because it will desire to love you rightly, in the way that God has designed, for His glory, for your heart.
Likewise, if you love someone you will not delight in the wrong that has happened to them, the wrong that you have done to them, or the wrong they are pursuing. This one has been huge for me. Sometimes in a trial I've pictured God receiving some sort of delight from it. In my mind I have twisted the fact that God brings good from bad to mean that He must delight in the very wrong things that happen in life. Brother, sister, this is NOT THE CASE! Even if you have experienced someone’s delight in your pain or in doing wrong to you, it is not the case. God would not be a good God if He delighted in the bad. Like any good parent, He wants the very best for us, but sin has gotten in the way. This is why He brings good from bad. He is so good and delights so well in it, that He chooses to place good where it could not reside otherwise. Isn’t that mind blowing?!
In my pursuit to love others with real love, I have been on a journey to discover if I am delighting in the things God delights in. Am I delighting in my sin? Or do I hate it with the passion God hates it with? The journey to loving others well is really a journey of self-reflection. You cannot love others well if you do not know what love really is. And how do you know if you know what love is unless you begin digging deep inside yourself?
#4-Real love believes the best in others and believes the best for others
In my study on this passage I found two commentary quotes from David Guzik that hit it right on the nail:
“Love is willing to want the best for others and refuses to color things against others.” and “Love believes all things. We never believe a lie, but we never believe evil unless the facts demand it. We choose to believe the best of others.”
This has oddly been a hard one for me. For years people have told me that I always believe the best in others, and they tell me that’s a good thing--which I believe it is. However, in recent years I have become frustrated with this because it has gotten me into situations where I have been hurt or disappointed. It’s been a struggle to keep my heart soft and not project those situations onto other people. But right here, in Scripture, it says, “Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others” (v.7). It is a reminder that God does not see us as our sin, our fallenness or our failure. He sees us in His image. He sees us as our best selves and molds and shapes us to get there. He loves us where we’re at but won’t accept our staying there because He also believes the best for us…
We live in such a culture of “acceptance”, that anything less than acceptance is judgement and scorn. But love is not equal to acceptance. I am a firm believer of meeting people where they’re at because this is exactly what Jesus did. They didn’t have to get it all together before He could come to them. Instead, He approached them at their lowest moment and changed their lives through relationship. But the key is that He didn’t leave them where He found them. He believed the best for them and wanted them to know that He had abundant life for them, that there was more for them than their mess. And this is what real love does. Real love meets people where they are at, then reminds them of God’s best, and finally walks alongside them towards abundant life. You can love someone and still refuse to accept anything less than God’s best for them.
Final Thoughts
I love this quote by C.S. Lewis (or any quote by Lewis if we’re being honest), it goes, “God always allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we'll appreciate the strength of His.” Oof.
At the beginning of 2020 I wasn’t entirely sure how the Lord was going to walk me through LOVE. In the back of my mind I was picturing a hallmark movie. You know, where the grumpy person goes to a small town and finds out what real love is from the townsfolk. Wow, maybe I should stop watching hallmark (that’s not going to happen XD). Anyways...that was not the case. My actual experience lines up much more with what Lewis said. This year I learned the strength and beauty of God’s love by experiencing the frailty of human love. Sound depressing? Maybe a little. Yet I don’t think I could’ve gained as much if it hadn’t been that way.
Don’t get me wrong, the Lord blessed me with some incredible friendships and family that did reflect God’s love to me in ways I’ve never experienced before. And for those relationships I am eternally grateful. But it wasn’t through those that the Lord woke me up to the truth of what real love is and what it isn't.
We are never going to perfect any of these areas or real love as a whole. Thus, I find the final verses of 1 Corinthians 13 encouraging; we are only seeing real love through a mirror right now, a mere reflection of what is to come--and that is the reunion of Christ with His church. One day, we will be in perfect relationship with Him. There will be no more need for a reflection, we will be able to stare LOVE in the face.
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