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Has anyone ever asked you what your love language is? Mine is one-hundred percent, without a doubt, words of affirmation. It’s my highest result every time. Lately though, as this topic of biblical friendship has been on my mind, so has affirmation. I’m realizing that words of affirmation are not just important to me. They are important to a biblical friendship.
This past week I have been in leadership training at my university for our discipleship program. It’s been a joy not only being around my peers and friends again, but being back in fellowship. Ah! Ya’ll, it’s just been so good!!! One really important aspect of leadership that we have been covering is comparison. As we like to say...it has no place here...it is NOT welcome here. Each leader brings their own unique leadership style, giftings, and passions as well as weaknesses and insecurities. By the end of training, as our leadership has gotten to know us, we do a consecration service where they speak words of affirmation over us. I think it is the most beautiful aspect of training. It’s a time of encouragement and celebration of the unique leaders God has created each of us to be.
Now, let me be clear. Affirming someone is not the same as complimenting someone. A compliment is, “Your outfit is so cute!”, or “You have a great taste in music.” It’s like a little pick me up that can brighten someone’s day. A compliment is a little expression of praise or admiration. An affirmation, however, is taking action to offer emotional support and encouragement to someone. It’s a solid truth about someone’s character that they don’t always see in themselves but that has the power to refuel them. Affirming someone would be saying, “You are wise, and your wisdom encourages others not to look to their feelings, but to truth.” It would be saying, “I know you can do this, or get through this because you are strong, and it is this God-given strength that inspires courage in others.” Can you see the difference? Catching my drift? A biblical example of an affirmation would be 1 Peter 2:9 which says…
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
If this were in compliment form, it would say something like, “Oh, you’re so special. I just love those priestly robes of yours. You’re so good at talking about Jesus!”
Okay, so a little cringy. But see what I mean?
There’s been a phrase that’s been on my mind these last several weeks and it’s “There’s got to be more.” There’s got to be more to my friendships than just little compliments or flattery. And oh dear goodness, there is. It’s so much greater, it’s so much more. And it’s this act of affirmation. Hebrews 10:24-25 says, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” An affirmation is meant to spur each other towards love and good deeds, towards living a life fully surrendered to Christ. It’s meant to give strength.
But it takes thought, real thought. It also takes intentionality. In these past few weeks I’ve noticed how little I observe the strengths of my friends and my roommates. I sometimes let myself become so easily blinded by their flaws and random annoyances that I overlook everything else. This is a tragedy you guys!!! If we want biblical friendships, we’ve got to do what the Bible says. Duh, right? But really. So spur one another on towards love and good deeds. Pay attention to the masterpieces that the Lord has placed in your life. Remind them of how God sees them!
In addition to observation and intentionality, affirming our friends takes prayer. What we notice in them isn’t always what needs to be affirmed in them. Another part of our training last week was practicing praying together and for each other. We were challenged to partner up with someone we didn’t know and after only a few short words of introduction, we would bow our heads and silently pray for the words to encourage and affirm our prayer partner. Whoa. Sounds kinda weird? Well, it felt a little weird at first too. But boy did God move in those couple minutes y'all. Let me give you some quick backstory. A few days before training the Lord had begun showing me how much I desire to be wanted. We all have this desire at one point. But it was becoming clear how much of a motivator this is in my life. Then heading into training I was worried I was going to feel unwanted. Sure, I might be “qualified” for my position or whatever, but would I really be wanted there? Anyways...so the moment came when we were doing this prayer exercise if you will, and one of the girls (I ended up in a group of three), spoke over me the exact words I had been longing to hear. She told me I was cherished. She told me I was wanted on our team. I got chills for a solid five minutes.
Finally, affirmation takes a level of boldness. It can be really awkward at first, not only to receive it, but to give it. It’s a different kind of serious. See, with a compliment you kind of giggle and flip your hair. It’s a very lighthearted thing. But with affirmation, you look your friend in the eye, maybe you even hold their hands and you remind them of how God sees them, how you see them. In that moment you tell them the very things they currently can’t see in themselves. Now that’s powerful.
And let me tell ya, it is not only life-giving to the recipient, but also to the giver. I can only attribute this to the fact that we experience a supernatural joy when we do what the Father has intended us to do. I honestly can’t put into words how beautiful and amazing this process is. Seeing God work through your thoughtful, prayer-backed words. Eep! It’s incredible.
So here’s my challenge to y’all this week:
Ask the Lord who He might have you affirm in your life. Then observe them, pray about what they may need to hear right now. Be the Lord’s mouthpiece to them. And then sit them down, invite them to coffee, or FaceTime them if they’re far away, and give them that affirmation.
Sincerely,
“M”