Invited: some thoughts on loneliness

Loneliness.

It sucks. And one of the worst parts about it, is that it’s not merely a descriptor of your physical proximity to people, but is a mental and emotional state as well. Have you ever experienced that moment when you’re in a room full of people, even a room full of people who you love and whom love you, and still....you feel that deep ache in the pit of your stomach. You so badly want to feel known, included, and seen. Oh, how badly you want to be seen and to be a part of...something. I think loneliness can look and feel a little different from person to person but I think it very commonly feels like a punishment.

And that’s when the lies creep in.

I must deserve to be alone. There’s got to be something wrong with me. No one actually wants me around. I’m just an option to them…

I hope none of these sound familiar to you, but I understand if they do. Because they sound familiar to me too.

I’m not here to tell you “quick fix answers”. I firmly believe we are never truly alone because God has promised to always be with us. But I’ve heard, “Oh, well, you’re not actually alone, you know”, and it doesn’t always help, does it? I’m also not here to tell you to stop being introverted and start making friends, because honestly, loneliness isn’t always a result of not having friends. Loneliness is a deep pain, and as with a lot of deep pains there is never really a quick fix or an easy answer. I’m not going to try to give y’all any answers, but I do want to share some thoughts and truths with you.

Let me ask you a question:

What if we saw our loneliness, not as a punishment, but as an invitation?

We sometimes think that our loneliness is a punishment because the emotional feeling of loneliness is often accompanied by a negative event or circumstance in our lives. Here’s what I mean. I have been quarantined by my university three times due to possible exposure to Covid. While there are aspects of quarantine that I can appreciate, it is definitely not something I love. I can’t stand not being able to hang out with my people, go to events, etc. I usually experience quite a bit of loneliness. But I’ve noticed something. Each quarantine, I get excited for all the time I’ll have to be in my Bible and pray and just be with God. That’s when I realize I haven’t been making it as much of a priority in my daily life. Now, I could look at my loneliness in quarantine on one hand and hold it up next to my conviction about not prioritizing time with God on the other; and I could tell myself “God must be punishing me for not prioritizing Him, and now I’m in quarantine and lonely”. See how that works? We are so quick to associate our pain or loneliness with the wrath of God. Or at least I am.

Maybe I realized I was viewing undistracted time to be with God as a punishment. Maybe I was thinking that God’s presence was a punishment. I don’t know for sure. But how could something so sweet and beautiful be a punishment? The Lord started to help me see that my times of loneliness were not punishments, they were invitations to be in His presence. For in His presence there is fullness of joy (Psalm 16:11). It’s a fullness of joy that cannot be met by any number of friends or kindred relationships.

So if it’s not a punishment, then what is it? Isn’t it funny how we think it’s either a punishment or it’s...nothing? Am I the only one who forgets that God also desires to bless us and not only discipline us?

It can be a painful stretch mentally, but I’m starting to think that loneliness is a blessing. I’m starting to think it’s one of those things that God has taken from this broken world, redeemed, and now uses to bless us in unexpected ways. A classic beauty from ashes. Here’s another what if:

What if loneliness is the deep pain that God uses to gently nudge us into His loving embrace? What if loneliness is God wanting to take you in, hold you tight, and whisper love, peace and the gentlest companionship into your heart?

I don’t know what loneliness has looked like in your life. Maybe it was just a short season for you, maybe it’s a regular thorn in your side. But in the process of a lot of prayer and incessant questioning, I’ve come to see loneliness as a state in which I’m recently best pointed back to the Lord. It’s not in happiness, or exhaustion, or whatnot, it’s in my loneliness. This feeling of spiritual isolation when it’s me, face to face with God, no one else around. This, this friends, is where I’m learning to find Him.

A friend of mine the other day was explaining to me how they had a conversation with someone that was hard, but also good and they were trying to put a word to it. I guess this is how loneliness has been for me. It’s hard, but good and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Bittersweet, maybe?

I’m not going to pretend that I know exactly how the Lord uses loneliness or anything like that. Again, I think it differs from person to person. But a final thought I had is that I’ve seen the Lord use times of loneliness as times of preparation--a growing ground, a time to get to know Him better, to anchor us in Himself so that when the time is right He can sail us out to sea. We know that times of isolation and aloneness are good for us on occasion. That’s why people take solo retreats and have “alone time” throughout the week. Well, God knows that too and God knows us better than we know ourselves. So maybe He’s just pulling the dad card on us sometimes and saying, “Beloved, I know it might not feel good, but you need this, I have something great around the corner, but you need to be here right now, with me. It’s just gonna be you and I for a little while, okay? I love you, this is going to be good, I promise.”

Let God minister to you in your loneliness. Accept the invitation into His presence. Dare to let Him hold you and show you more of Himself.

At the cross Christ cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46) I think it’s the most agony filled moment in history. The moment where Christ experienced ultimate separation from God, so that we didn’t have to. The moment that everyone seemed against him--his disciples, his friends, the Jews, the Romans, his own Father. I can’t even fathom the loneliness and void that Jesus felt in that moment.

But that doesn’t have to be us. The veil has been torn. We have unlimited access to the Creator and Sustainer of the UNIVERSE. He looks at you and He says:

I want YOU

I love YOU

I will never leave YOU

I am here with YOU

I am your JOY

I am your HOPE

I am your closest COMPANION

Children of God...

He wants to fill you

He wants to prepare you

He wants to give you more of Himself

He wants to bless you

He wants to redeem your pain

He INVITES you into His presence. He doesn’t punish you with it. Loneliness isn’t the end Christ had in mind the day He died. The cross has the final word. IT. IS. FINISHED.

And YOU. ARE NOT. ALONE.